The Spoof
by Loveblisters
Summary: Ever wondered what it would be like to witness Tom Riddle, Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Black, and the Marauders traipse around Hogwarts together? A very large amount of mischief and humor, as well as extremely random moments. Enjoy!


Disclaimer: We are not creative enough to determine our own characters, so we borrowed J.K. Rowling's. Nothing belongs to us, sorry.

(A/N: This was probably the most amazing piece ever, written by myself and my good friend known on here as ShadowPhantom. Although it's not exactly finished, we are still quite proud of what we do have. Please review!)**  
**

**The Spoof**  
_Lord Voldie & The Fairly Moronic Death Eaters_

_(cue Dumbledore speaking gravely to Harry)_

**Dumbledore: **Harry, you must understand about Tom Riddle and what corrupted him fifty years ago…

_(fog starts up)_

**Harry:**_(coughs violently)_ How am I supposed to understand something when I'm dead?

_(The fog completely encompasses the office, taking us back to the past of the most terrifying person alive a past that Dumbledore doesn't know the exact details of.)_

**Tom Riddle:** Hey Lucius!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Hey Tom!  
**Tom Riddle:** Hey Lucius!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Hey -- oh, for God's sake, Tom. What do you want?  
**Tom Riddle:** I have come up with a brilliantly EVIL plan. _(laughs maniacally)_  
**Lucius Malfoy: **You? Evil? I never would have guessed with your GLOWING RED EYES.  
**Tom Riddle:** What the hell is that supposed to mean?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(rolls eyes)_ Never mind. What is this so-called "evil plan" you speak of?  
**Tom Riddle:** Fuck the plan! Are you insulting my glowing red eyes??  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(rolls eyes again)_ No, I am merely pointing them out. Tell me your fucking plan, fucker!  
**Tom Riddle:** How about you stop talking about my retinas and using the word "fuck" in every sentence?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Not before you tell me how you succeeded in getting them so red. They look fantabulous!  
**Tom Riddle:** You really think so?  
**Lucius Malfoy: **Of course not. Now tell me your fucking plan!  
**Tom Riddle:** _(glares with his red eyes)_ With pleasure, but I don't have enough money to pay the censor, so stop saying bad words. Now, I was evilly pondering plots of evil, and all of a sudden my plan to take over the world came to me! Gather all your friends, we will have a meeting this Friday.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Never mind the fact that you didn't tell me the plan. I can't do anything Friday. I have a date!  
**Tom Riddle:** _(shocked)_ With who?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(grins proudly)_ Narcissa Black.  
**Tom Riddle:** Why would you want to date Sirius Black's cousin? You hate that guy.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Tom, I am supposed to be ten to twenty years younger than you, Sirius doesn't go to school yet so we don't know him. Right now they're still the most Ancient and Noble House of Black. You're not supposed to point out obvious canon mistakes.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(blinks)_ Never mind that! Stand her up! Women are weak!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(whines)_ But I really like her!  
**Tom Riddle:** You're such a pansy when it comes to women, Lucius. Go to my evil meeting.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(stubbornly)_ No! I won't go! I refuse!  
**Tom Riddle: **Oh fine. If you're going to be _that_ way, why don't you just bring her along?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(excitedly)_ Oh, you really think so?  
**Tom Riddle:** Yes, you moron! But bring a handkerchief with you.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(blinks)_ Why?  
**Tom Riddle:** You'll see when you get there. In the meantime --

_(A timer goes off in the next room.)_

**Lucius Malfoy:** What's that??  
**Tom Riddle:** Oh! My turkey's done!  
**Lucius Malfoy: **_(growls)_  
**Tom Riddle:** Oh, what's that? I think your girlfriend is trying to find you! _(in a fakey girl voice)_ Lucius! Honey! Sweetie! _(back to normal girl voice)_ You should go tell her about the hot date you're having in Friday.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Narcissa! _(runs off to find her)_  
**Tom Riddle:** Idiot. _(touches pan without a glove)_ Ah! It burns!

_Meanwhile…_

**Lucius Malfoy:** Narcissa! Narcissa!  
**Narcissa Black:**_(sitting calmly in the Slytherin common room, doing her Potions homework)_ What is it, Lucius darling?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Tom said you were looking for me.  
**Narcissa Black:** Honey, how many times do I have to remind you? Tom's voice is higher pitched than mine.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh. _(embarrassed)_ Well, I have something to tell you, anyway… about our date on Friday.  
**Narcissa Black:** Yes?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(in a suddenly deep voice that is nothing like his normal voice)_ I am your father.  
**Narcissa Black:** Darling, like I said before, we have different last names. Plus, if you were my father, we would look alike. _(pats Lucius on the head)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(in a normal voice)_ Damn, why can't I fool you??  
**Narcissa Black:** I am a woman, hon.  
**Lucius Malfoy: **Damn.  
**Narcissa Black:** Are you implying that you would prefer incompetent men over a woman like me?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** No, I am precisely a heterosexually impaired individual.  
**Narcissa Black:** Which would mean you're gay…  
**Lucius Malfoy:** No, I'm not! I still like you!  
**Narcissa Black:** You just told me you were heterosexually impaired.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Right.  
**Narcissa Black:** Which means you're gay…  
**Lucius Malfoy: **No! I am _bi_-sexual.  
**Narcissa Black:** That's kind of disturbing, darling.  
**Lucius Malfoy: **Okay.  
**Narcissa Black:** Why didn't you tell me this earlier?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Well… I… I didn't want you to be viewed as less of a man.  
**Narcissa Black:** Sweetheart, you take better care of your hair than I do.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** What's wrong with that?  
**Narcissa Black:** Nothing. Let's forget about your more-than-platonic feelings for Tom Riddle. What about our date?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Well, Tom told me to round up Slytherins for a meeting this Friday. He has an evil plan to take over the world, and he said I could take you along!  
**Narcissa Black:** To a political meeting filled with incompetent men?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(pouts)_ Well, I --  
**Narcissa Black:** To eat his vile turkey instead of a _romantic_ trip to _Hogsmeade_ like you _promised_?!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Well, I --  
**Narcissa Black:** _(imperiously)_ Yes?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I love you.  
**Narcissa Black:** Fine. I'll go to your stupid meeting.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Really?  
**Narcissa Black:** Don't push it!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(whimpers)_ Yes, dear.

_(Suddenly, Tom Riddle bursts in.)_

**Tom Riddle:** Lucius! Get your cloak! We're going into the forest!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(stands up slowly)_ What? Why?  
**Tom Riddle: **I'll tell you once we get out there. Hurry up!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** O… kay… _(puts on cloak and kisses Narcissa)_  
**Narcissa Black:** Don't kill anything.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I don't have my wand.  
**Tom Riddle:** What do you mean you don't have your wand??  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I don't have it. I can't find it. I think it might be in the Gryffindor common room…  
**Narcissa Black:** What?! Why would it be in there?!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh! Never mind, dear! Let's go, Tom.  
**Tom Riddle: **_(flabbergasted)_ Don't tell me you were making love to a certain Mr. Potter?!  
**Narcissa Black:** You knew about his gay tendencies before I did?!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Let's _go_, Tom! _(drags Tom out the door by his cloak)_

_(Tom and Lucius make their way across the Hogwarts grounds, and enter the forest tentatively.)_

**Lucius Malfoy:** _(whimpers)_ Wh-wh-what are we doing here?  
**Tom Riddle:** You'll see. _(leads Lucius deeper into the forest)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Th-there are _creatures_ in here!  
**Tom Riddle:** Well, duh! It's a forest!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(whimpers again)_  
**Tom Riddle:** Guess what, Lucius.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Wh-what?  
**Tom Riddle:** I see dead people.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** You're not helping!  
**Tom Riddle:** What's that?!?!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Ahh!!! What's what?! _(jumps into Tom's arms, terrified)_  
**Tom Riddle:** You know, I wouldn't suggest this, considering you're going to marry Narcissa and my sexuality has yet to be revealed.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh.  
**Tom Riddle:** Let go of me.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(drops to the ground)_ Why are we here, anyway?  
**Tom Riddle:** _(childish, yet evil grin)_ I found something.  
**Lucius Malfoy: **Y-you found a-a… _(squints)_ a toad?  
**Tom Riddle:** Isn't it neat? I'm going to throw it at the Gryffindors next Quidditch game.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Hehehe, that's -- WHAT?! You dragged me out into the middle of the Forbidden Forest for a toad?!  
**Tom Riddle:** _(holds the toad protectively against his chest)_ If you're so scornful, I also found the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(gapes silently)_  
**Tom Riddle:** Come on, let's go back to the school. After all, I have pressing matters to take care of.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Like what?  
**Tom Riddle: **I have to write in my diary. _(starts off for Hogwarts)_  
**Narcissa Black: **_(sitting in the Great Hall)_ Have fun?**  
Tom Riddle:** I found a toad.  
**Narcissa Black:** Don't tell me. You're going to use that toad to create a Basilisk and set it loose in the newly-discovered Chamber of Secrets to terrorize the school and attempt to kill off all the Muggle-borns.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(scribbling in his diary)_ Repeat that part about the Muggle-borns.  
**Narcissa Black:** What? Killing them off?  
**Tom Riddle:** _(looks up) _that is what you said, isn't it?  
**Narcissa Black: **Why, yes. But you're not really going to terrorize the school with a giant snake, are you?  
**Tom Riddle:** Why shouldn't I?  
**Narcissa Black:** Oh, I don't know. No reason, really, except that you _could_ possibly get _EXPELLED_!  
**Tom Riddle:** What's your point?  
**Narcissa Black: **_(frustrated)_ My point is you'll be expelled, Tom! You'll have your wand destroyed! I honestly doubt you'd be willing to sacrifice _that _much!  
**Tom Riddle:** Perhaps. Or maybe being expelled would only enhance my evil plan. _(evil laugh and glowing red eyes return)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(shudders)_ Tom, I suggest an ixnay on the edray.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(turning to Lucius)_ What?  
**Lucius Malfoy: **Stop the red-eye thing. It's freakin' me out!  
**Tom Riddle:** No, I heard you. I just forgot you were there. I thought maybe the voices were speaking to me again.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Voices?  
**Tom Riddle:** I can speak with snakes. Sometimes I think people are talking to me, but it's really snakes. I like snakes. _(devilish glint appears in his red eyes)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Uhh…

_(A sudden and loud explosion interrupts Lucius's disturbed state of mind. Camera pans across the Great Hall to the Gryffindor table, where the laughing Marauders are sitting.)_

**Severus Snape:** You are so dead. _(glaring at the Marauders)_  
**Sirius Black:** _(innocent grin)_ Whatever do you mean, Snivellus?  
**Severus Snape:** I know that was you.  
**Sirius Black:** It wasn't! Honest! Right, James?  
**James Potter:** Scout's honor. Lupin, tell him how we'd never do something so horrible.  
**Remus Lupin:** _(mouth twitches, suggesting contained anger)_  
**Sirius Black:** Oh come _on_, Moony. You know we didn't do it.  
**Remus Lupin:** _(turns the page in his book)_ I neither confirm nor deny your actions.  
**Sirius Black & James Potter:** Lupin!

**Tom Riddle:** Gryffindors… grr…**  
Narcissa Black:** Why do you hate them so much?  
**Tom Riddle:** What? The Gryffindors?  
**Narcissa Black: **Well… yes…  
**Tom Riddle:** I don't know. They just… grr… _I'm _the mischief-maker here! I shouldn't have competition.**  
Narcissa Black:** Riiight…  
**Tom Riddle:** _(standing up and glaring down at Narcissa)_ Do you doubt my supremacy?!  
**Narcissa Black:** _(bursts out laughing)_ What supremacy?  
**Tom Riddle:** _(sinks back into chair, whimpering softly)_ I can talk to snakes…  
**Lucius Malfoy:** You know, this conversation is boring the hell out of me.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(towering over Lucius again)_ What's your point?  
**Lucius Malfoy:**_(rolls eyes rather obviously)_ Oh, shut up.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(whimpers)  
_**Narcissa Black:** How about you both shut up so I can continue bathing my feet in salt water in peace?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** …salt water?  
**Narcissa Black:** Yes, the healing powers of salt on… oh, dear God.  
**Lucius Malfoy: **I don't get it. How does salt help God?  
**Narcissa Black:**_(pinches the bridge of her nose)_ No. It's just _(points across the Hall towards the Marauders and Snape)_ my cousin never gives it a rest, does he?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Your cousin…  
**Narcissa Black:** _(rolls her eyes) _Sirius, you git. _(grabs Lucius's face and directs it to the Gryffindor table)_

**Sirius Black:** Why don't you run off and kill yourself? Here, I even have the weapon. _(holds out a bar of soap)_

_(James snickers appreciatively, while the corners of Lupin's mouth twitch up)_

**Severus Snape:** Oh, how terribly witty and clever of you, Black. Go get lost in your own reflection. _(sneers)_  
**Sirius Black:** What on _Earth_ are you talking about, Snivellus?  
**Severus Snape:** _(snickers)_ Well, you _do_ tend to get rather… eh… turned around? Yes, turned around in your own reflection, do you not?  
**Sirius Black:** _(blinks up at Snape)_ …  
**James Potter:** What the…  
**Severus Snape:** _(laughs maniacally)_ Well, for once it seems _I_ am ahead of you all when it comes to intelligence, eh?  
**Sirius Black:** …or you're just _stupid_.  
**James Potter:** Either way, you will be considered an effing psychopath by the best of us, I'm afraid.

_(The Marauders laugh heartily as Snape's face turns bright red and smoke begins to shoot out of his ears.)_

**Severus Snape:** Fine! But I must say you should be expecting the unexpected, because -- _(looks around anxiously)_ I'll get you, my pretties! And your little frogs, too!! _(storms out of the Great Hall, his black cape flowing behind him…)_  
**Sirius Black:** _(the perfect picture of confusion, with an eyebrow raised and mouth gaping open)_ What the…  
**Remus Lupin:** That was rather clever.  
**Sirius Black:** Turned around… turned around… Moony, what the hell do you mean by clever?  
**Remus Lupin:** _(turns back to his book)_  
**James Potter:** Sirius, let's play a prank on him so he doesn't dare try to tarnish the reputation of the Marauders.  
**Sirius Black:** You read my mind, my good man.

_(James and Sirius start giggling like school girls.)_

**Remus Lupin:** Honestly. Why couldn't I have been put into Ravenclaw?

_Back at the Slytherin table…_

**Tom Riddle:** BRILLIANCE! I've got it!  
**Lucius Malfoy: **Got… what?  
**Narcissa Black: **Another brilliant plan, I suppose.  
**Tom Riddle:** Yes. You see, due to my extra-fantabulous hearing --  
**Lucius Malfoy: **How did you get special hearing?  
**Tom Riddle:** What?  
**Narcissa Black:** _(groans)_ Men.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** What was that, pumpkin?  
**Narcissa Black: **You heard me.  
**Lucius Malfoy: **Well, yes, but I wasn't sure who you were referring to.  
**Narcissa Black:** What are you implying? Oh, don't tell me you're returning to that small "I'm heterosexually impaired" theory.  
**Tom Riddle:** What's all this about being affected by the many colors of the rainbow? _(looks up his writing)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Nothing, darling -- I mean, Tom!  
**Tom Riddle:** _(raises a curious eyebrow)_ Did you just call me "darling"?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(coughs loudly)_ Of course not, Tom.  
**Narcissa Black:** Don't deny your infatu -- _(Lucius places a hand over her mouth to shut her up)_  
**Tom Riddle:** _(shrugs)_ Anyhoo, back to my new and slightly-improved evil plan…  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(waiting in suspense)_  
**Narcissa Black:** _(inspects her fingernails)_  
**Tom Riddle:** Well, according to that scene over there, that Remus Lupin character gets fed up with his friends. Especially your cousin, Narcissa. So, we plan something to get Black and Lupin in a fight.  
**Narcissa Black:** You mean a lover's quarrel.  
**Tom Riddle:** Yes, a -- WHAT?! When did they join that club?  
**Narcissa Black:** You mean you can't tell? I'd expect birds of a feather…  
**Tom Riddle:** Enough. They get into a lover's quarrel and then when Lupin is feeling sad and all alone, Narcissa will convince him to join us with powers of seduction. Wait, no -- _Lucius_ will convince him to join us with powers of seduction.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I have to seduce a Gryffindor?  
**Tom Riddle:** Well, I was going to suggest Snape, but you know, Lupin seems like such a cleanly fellow and I'm not sure how all that --  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Really?! You trust me to seduce the un-seduce-able! This is great! _(does his best to look moody)_ Lucius Malfoy, Sex God at your service.  
**Narcissa Black:** Wait, so _that_ is your brilliant plan!?  
**Tom Riddle:** Did I say I was done?  
**Narcissa Black:** Did you say you weren't?  
**Tom Riddle:** Lucius, is this argument making any sense at all to you?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh, you're speaking to me now, are you?  
**Tom Riddle:** Well, you _are_ this so-called "sex god," aren't you?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Now you're calling me a sex god?  
**Narcissa Black:** Weren't you the one that said you were a sex god in the first place?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Did I?  
**Tom Riddle:** Well, are you gay or not?!  
**Narcissa Black:** Tom, does being gay honestly have anything to do with being a sex god?  
**Tom Riddle:** Well, he _is_ planning on seducing Lupin, right?  
**Narcissa Black: **Weren't you the one who came up with that idea?  
**Tom Riddle:** Was I? _(thinks back)_ I guess I was, wasn't I?  
**Narcissa Black: **Isn't that what I just said?  
**Tom Riddle:** Er… yes, but what does that have anything to do with Lucius seducing Lupin and also being gay at the same time?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh! You're talking about me again, are you?  
**Narcissa Black & Tom Riddle:** Shut up!!!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Well, I… _(pouty face)_  
**Tom Riddle:** _(unaffected)_ After Lucius's maybe-brilliant seduction we will slowly convince Lupin to partake in world domination. You know, by giving him party favors and such. Slowly his mind will be poisoned against his fellow Gryffindors until he assists us in their ultimate DOWNFALL AND HUMILIATION! It's brilliant!  
**Narcissa Black:** Yes, but couldn't we pick somebody who would be easier to get on our side? Say… Peter Pettigrew?

_(Cut to Peter rocking back and forth, while mumbling about being underappreciated and over-looked.)_

**Tom Riddle:** Tom Riddle never backs down from a challenge! _(puffs up importantly)_ Besides, Lupin is smart and friendly. He will be a useful tool.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** And can you imagine seducing Peter? Ick.  
**Narcissa Black:** Well, alright, if you say so…  
**Tom Riddle:** We'll finalize the plans at my meeting on Friday. Remus Lupin will be OURS. _(cue thunder and lightning)_  
**Narcissa Black: **Oh, for the -- Lucius, honey, you don't think this is going a little overboard?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(staring at his reflection in his plate)_ Pardon?  
**Narcissa Black:**_(sighs)_ Never mind.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(looks up)_ No really, what did you say?  
**Narcissa Black: **You really didn't hear me?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Why, no… I was thinking about what the most successful seduction would consist of. You know, with the fuzzy --  
**Narcissa Black:** Yes, yes, of course. Now back to the original subject.  
**Tom Riddle:** Which was…?  
**Narcissa Black:** Toads, my dears, toads.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(stares blankly at Narcissa)_ Were we ever talking about toads?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Actually, they were mentioned, yes.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(turns to Lucius)_ Was I talking to you?  
**Lucius Malfoy:**_(pouts again)_  
**Tom Riddle:** I didn't think so. _(turns back to Narcissa)_  
**Narcissa Black:** Honestly, Tom, do you have to be so cruel?  
**Tom Riddle:** It is not cruelty that affects my mind.  
**Narcissa Black:** Then what is it?  
**Tom Riddle:** Pity.  
**Narcissa Black:** For what?  
**Tom Riddle: **Being gay and simply retarded.  
**Narcissa Black: **Are you referring to Lucius?  
**Tom Riddle:** Who else would I be referring to?  
**Lucius Malfoy: **_(pipes in)_ I'm not retarded!  
**Tom Riddle:** Oh, terribly sorry. _(turns to Lucius)_ You're mentally challenged and rather unstable, at that.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Well, I, well, um --  
**Narcissa Black:** Oh Tom, please. Like you aren't unstable.  
**Tom Riddle:** What do you mean?  
**Narcissa Black:** The fact that your eyes turn red -- like that! -- whenever you're feeling upset or mischievous.  
**Tom Riddle:** _What is wrong with my eyes?!?_  
**Narcissa Black: **Nothing… they're lovely… go quite splendidly with your black hair and all…  
**Tom Riddle:** Yes, I try. Lucius!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** What?  
**Tom Riddle:** I have an important task for you.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Yes?  
**Tom Riddle:** Learn the powers of seduction from Narcissa. You will prove yourself at Friday's meeting. And now… I take my leave. _(stands)_ I have to go tell Snape about the meeting. You two go back to the Slytherin common room and start training. _(sweeps away and out of the Great Hall)_  
**Narcissa Black:** _(grumbling)_ Important task… more like impossible task… Lucius seducing someone, ha! Why, if this works, I'll --  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(brightly)_ Shall we go then?  
**Narcissa Black:** I suppose.

_(Narcissa and Lucius get up and start for the exit.)_

_(James, Lily, and Sirius are chilling in the Gryffindor common room, while Lupin is studying in a corner.)_

**James Potter:** Sirius, tell me ol' chap, what do you think the ultimate punishment for using the Unforgivable Curses would be?  
**Sirius Black:** Why?  
**James Potter:** _(shrugs absently)_ No reason.  
**Lily Evans:** James, do tell me you're not plotting another one of your masterfully unsuccessful plans again.  
**James Potter:** Sorry?  
**Lily Evans:** _(rolls eyes)_ Never mind.  
**James Potter:** Alright then. Sirius, back to those punishments…

_(Suddenly, Snape bursts in)_

**Sirius Black:** Wha-how'd _you_ get in here?  
**Severus Snape:** _(looks confused)_ Oh sorry. Wrong common room. _(turns to leave)_  
**James Potter:** But you can't get in here without a password, bitch! How'd you get our password?!  
**Severus Snape: **Does it really matter?  
**Sirius Black: **_(stands up)_ Of course it matters! We don't want any of your greasy friends in here! Especially when we'll least expect it!  
**Severus Snape:** _(sighs)_ I know every password known to man. It's a gift.  
**James Potter:** What kind of gay ass gift is that?! At least I can fly!  
**Lily Evans:** James… anyone with enough brains to know how to mount a broom can fly…  
**James Potter:** Oh…  
**Severus Snape:** Anyway, I'll be off. Tata! _(leaves the common room)_  
**Sirius Black:** Uh… oookay.  
**James Potter: **Ooh! We should get the password for the Slytherin common room and then _(slams his fist into his palm)_ hit them when they least expect it!  
**Lily Evans:** James, please, you'll never become Head Boy if you don't set an example.  
**James Potter:** _(looks disgusted)_ Why would I want to be Head Boy? Too much responsibility.  
**Lily Evans:** But _James_…  
**Sirius Black: **_(looks at the ceiling and casually walks to where Remus is studying, while whistling)_ Heya Moony.  
**Remus Lupin:** Hi Sirius. _(continues to read)_  
**Sirius Black:** Do you ever stop studying?  
**Remus Lupin:** Excuse me for wanting to pass my courses. Besides, you know for a fact I don't study _all_ the time. I am a Marauder, after all.  
**Sirius Black:** Well you sure haven't been acting like one lately.  
**Remus Lupin:** _(looks up from his book)_ What is that supposed to mean?  
**Sirius Black:** Ever since you became a prefect, you never do anything anymore! You just sit around and study and reprimand us for pulling pranks. It's like you've become another teacher.  
**Remus Lupin:** _(dangerously)_ I have _not_ become another teacher!  
**Sirius Black:** _(mocking)_ Don't do that or I'll put you in detention! Don't you want to get an Outstanding in Potions? No pranks, people are trying to study! All you ever do is nag anyone.  
**Remus Lupin:** That's because when I grow up I want to actually accomplish something other than shagging every girl in Britain! _(slams his book shut and storms out of the common room)_

_(Cut to Slytherins in their common room)_

**Narcissa Black:** Eh… you're doing a little better. Now, bat your eyelashes a bit and recite the line I gave you again.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(in a husky voice)_ Hello, darling. Let me see your --  
**Narcissa Black:** No, no, no! Not like that! You have to be convincing. Make him _want_ you!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(sighs)_ Narcissa, sweetie, I really don't think I can do this. I mean, I'm just not as skilled as you are when it comes to seducing men.  
**Narcissa Black:** I know you feel that way, honey, but remember -- you're doing this for Tom.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I know, but --  
**Narcissa Black:** No buts! Come on, let's return to our lessons, shall we?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(sighs again)_ Alright. If you say so…  
**Narcissa Black:** Yeah… anyway… okay, let me see your saunter again.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(attempts to saunter over to the fireplace and back, but fails miserably)_  
**Narcissa Black:** Sway your hips a little more and _try_ to look somewhat tempting, will you?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I'm trying! But it's a little harder than you think.  
**Narcissa Black:** _(rolls eyes again)_ Yes, I know. Everything's harder than I think, or so you say.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I never said that!  
**Narcissa Black:** _(rolls eyes again)_ Bat your eyes again.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Stop telling me what to do!  
**Narcissa Black: **I'm not telling you what to do! I'm _coaching_ you!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** No, you're not!  
**Narcissa Black:** I am, too! Besides, it's not completely out of my own will!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** It's _entirely_ your will! If you didn't want to do it, you could leave right now!  
**Narcissa Black:** Fine!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Fine!

_(Narcissa stomps out, slamming the door behind her)_

**Narcissa Black: **_(muttering to herself)_ It's absolutely hopeless! All he'd have to do is put forward some effort, but he's so _dense_ he doesn't even realize his own appeal! I swear the men…

_(Cut to Remus Lupin storming through the halls of Hogwarts)_

**Remus Lupin:** _(murmuring angrily to himself)_ Another teacher? Does Sirius have any brains at all? Doesn't he realize that Dumbledore made me prefect for a reason, and if I don't do my duties then I'll lose my position? You'd think he'd have more considering for his friends…

_(Cut to Tom Riddle and Severus Snape walking down the hall together)_

**Tom Riddle:** I'm telling you, your talent to guess every password is pure genius! Even when the Gryffindors change theirs, you'll still be able to get in there and stir things up. Eventually that will get Black and Lupin to fight.  
**Severus Snape:** Are you sure you trust Lucius to seduce the werewolf?  
**Tom Riddle:** He's being taught by Narcissa, it'll happen. Yes, yes, all going according to plan… mwahaha…

_(Suddenly, Narcissa, Lupin, Tom, and Snape all run into each other at an intersection.)_

**Tom Riddle:** Narcissa, why aren't you back in the common room?!  
**Narcissa Black:** He's hopeless, Tom. You try it.  
**Remus Lupin:** Umm… _(starts backing up in hopes he won't be seen)_  
**Tom Riddle:** What do you mean "you try it"?! You know I cant seduce a were --  
**Severus Snape:** _(coughs loudly)_ What were you saying, _Lupin_??  
**Tom Riddle:** Lupin?! Where?? _(looks around wildly)_  
**Remus Lupin:** _(steps out of the dark corner and growls loudly)_  
**Tom Riddle: **_(screams like a girl)_  
**Narcissa Black:** Shut up, Tom! It's just Lupin!  
**Remus Lupin:** _(bent over, laughing hysterically)_ Are you really that dense, Riddle?  
**Tom Riddle:** _(pouts)_ So what if I am? _(clears throat, glowing red eyes return)_ I mean, _so what if I am?? You want to make something of it, punk?!  
_**Narcissa Black:** _(rolls eyes)_ Tom, get a grip. Besides, the glowing-red-eye thing is starting to piss me off a bit.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(turns to Narcissa. Eyes are still glowing)_ why do you say that?  
**Narcissa Black: **Because you act like you're superior _just_ because they're RED! I'm the only woman standing in this hallway. Does that make _me_ superior?  
**Tom Riddle:** Only if you can turn your ears purple…  
**Narcissa Black:** Why does _that_ make a difference?!  
**Tom Riddle:** I like purple…  
**Severus Snape:** _(mutters)_ You would…  
**Tom Riddle: **What's that, Snape?  
**Severus Snape:** I said that purple is a lovely color.  
**Lucius Malfoy: **_(trying to hide behind Narcissa)_ I don't want him to see me until I've mastered seduction!  
**Narcissa Black:** Oh, for the… wait, when did you show up?  
**Remus Lupin:** Well, it's been lovely chatting with you, but I really must be going. Things to do, people to save from the terrifying and evil jaws of death.  
**Tom Riddle:** Not so fast.  
**Remus Lupin: **Yes…?  
**Tom Riddle:** What are you doing out of the common room so late at night?  
**Remus Lupin:** One might ask the same of you, Tom.  
**Tom Riddle:** I am conversing with Snape, and besides, I'm Head Boy so I get to do whatever I want.  
**Remus Lupin:** Yes, I forgot. With great power comes great responsibility to use that power to abuse other students.  
**Tom Riddle:** Like… say… a detention?  
**Remus Lupin:** _(narrows eyes)_ You wouldn't.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(glares back)_ Try me.

_(At that moment, however, somebody comes running down the hall yelling something very loudly, breaking the contest of wills.)_

**Random person:** PENIS! PENIS! PENIS! PENIS! _(disappears around a corner, voice fading)_  
**Tom Riddle:** Uh… right…  
**Narcissa Black:** What the hell was that all about?  
**Remus Lupin:** Well, I'd say it had something to do with the male reproductive system.  
**Narcissa Black: **I know _what_ he was saying! _Why_ was he saying it?!  
**Remus Lupin:** I can't answer that.  
**Severus Snape:** Okay then…  
**Tom Riddle:** You know, I don't' think that talk is entirely appropriate for the confines of a school.  
**Narcissa Black:** Tom, according to half the fan fiction in the world, you lose your virginity by age 15.  
**Tom Riddle:** Cheers!  
**Remus Lupin:** _(rolls his eyes)_  
**Tom Riddle:** What? Don't tell me that you… _(gasps overly dramatically)_ …you're still a _virgin_?!  
**Remus Lupin:** _(eyes widen)_ Shhh!  
**Severus Snape:** that great big lapdog of yours hasn't made a move yet?  
**Remus Lupin:** You are in no position to hear about my sex life.  
**Severus Snape:** Or lack thereof.  
**Narcissa Black:** Hey. Stop picking on him. There are things worse than being a virgin at sixteen or seventeen, you know…  
**Tom Riddle:** Like what?  
**Narcissa Black: **Being a virgin at eighteen.  
**Tom Riddle:** Eh… good point. Two points for you, Narc! _(holds hand up for a high five)_  
**Narcissa Black: **Did you just call me Narc?  
**Tom Riddle:** What's wrong with "Narc"? I think it's sexy! _(growls seductively)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Hey!!  
**Tom Riddle:** Oh, sorry… anyway…  
**Narcissa Black: **No! No, no, no! We're absolutely _not_ changing the subject again! Why did you call me Narc? And what the hell does "two points" have to do with anything?  
**Tom Riddle:** _(exasperated sigh)_ "Narc" is your new nickname.  
**Narcissa Black:** How long did it take you to come up with that?!  
**Tom Riddle:** About three hours.  
**Narcissa Black:** You're kidding!  
**Tom Riddle:** No… guess what, Narc!  
**Narcissa Black: **Wha-WAIT! You're doing it again! Stop changing the subject, dammit! What's up with the two points?!  
**Tom Riddle:** Never mind that. Come on, Lucius, we must go practice. _(drags Lucius down the corridor)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Practice for what?  
**Tom Riddle:** Oh, shut up. You know what I'm talking about.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh right… that.  
**Tom Riddle:** Mmhmm, now come on! We must go shave your legs…  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(screeches)_ Shave my legs?!  
**Tom Riddle:** Do you want to do this right or not?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Shave my legs?!  
**Tom Riddle:** _(warningly)_ Lucius… _(drags him off down the corridor)_

**Narcissa Black:** Men are so…  
**Remus Lupin:** Infuriating?  
**Narcissa Black: **Exactly! I mean, for Merlin's sake, all they care about…  
**Remus Lupin:** …is themselves.  
**Narcissa Black:** Why are they so hard to understand?  
**Remus Lupin:** You've got me.  
**Severus Snape:** _(shudders and mutters to himself)_ Girl talk. _(slinks off)_  
**Narcissa Black:** Honestly. "Narc." What was he thinking…?  
**Remus Lupin:** A teacher… I do _not_ act like a teacher.  
**Narcissa Black:** _(stops and looks at Lupin)_ Listen. The girls… we have meetings sometimes, Saturday nights. All Houses included. Why don't you ask Lily to bring you this Saturday? Tell her "men are slugs." You are, er, gay, aren't you?  
**Remus Lupin:** _(stops abruptly) _Who told you that?  
**Narcissa Black:** Uh… no one. I just… thought you…  
**Remus Lupin:** Shaved my legs?  
**Narcissa Black:** Shaved your legs?  
**Remus Lupin:** Shave my legs?  
**Narcissa Black: **You shave your legs?  
**Remus Lupin:** I shave my legs?  
**Narcissa Black:** Gross!  
**Remus Lupin:** What?!  
**Narcissa Black:** You shave your legs!  
**Remus Lupin:** I do?  
**Narcissa Black:** Isn't that what you just said?  
**Remus Lupin:** It is?  
**Narcissa Black:** Pull up your pants.  
**Remus Lupin:** _(baffled)_ What?!  
**Narcissa Black:** Let me see your leg. Roll up your pants.  
**Remus Lupin:** Uh… okay. _(rolls pant leg up)_  
**Narcissa Black:** Oh! The horror!! Roll it down! Roll it down!!  
**Remus Lupin:** _(rolls his pants back down)_ Well, I _told_ you that I don't shave my legs!  
**Narcissa Black:** For… for Merlin's sake… do they really have to be so hairy?!  
**Remus Lupin:** I'M A FUCKING WEREWOLF!

_(Silence ensues. A cricket chirps.)_

**Narcissa Black:** Oh, well, uh, sorry. My mistake. It's just that you seem so… feminine.  
**Remus Lupin:** Not _that_ much. Has that rumor gone all around Slytherin?  
**Narcissa Black: **The entire school. I could tell people that you… um, aren't like that.  
**Remus Lupin:** Thank you. _(shakes Narcissa's hand)_ So I'll see you at the meeting?  
**Narcissa Black:** _(smiles)_ No. Only girls and homosexuals allowed.  
**Remus Lupin:** So why am I not?  
**Narcissa Black:** I thought you said that you weren't, that you didn't --  
**Remus Lupin:** Shave my legs. James jokes about it all the time.  
**Narcissa Black:** I've never heard that.  
**Remus Lupin:** So, nobody suspects I shave my legs (because I don't), but the entire school knows I'm gay?  
**Narcissa Black:** I knew you were clever.  
**Remus Lupin:** Thanks.

_(More silence. Another cricket.)_

**Remus Lupin:** So I'll see you on Saturday.  
**Narcissa Black:** Okay. Goodnight.  
**Remus Lupin:** 'Night.  
**Narcissa Black:** Oh, and you should make a move. The whole school knows about that too. _(walks off, leaving Lupin in a confused state)_

_(A random person runs down the hall screaming something.)_

**Random Person:** Wheem-oh-weh-a-wheem-oh-weh!! Wheee!  
**Remus Lupin:** _(stares in utter confusion)_ Um…  
**Random Person: **_(stops abruptly and turns to Lupin)_ Are you wearing purple socks today?  
**Remus Lupin:** Only if you're wearing green.  
**Random Person:** Oh, sorry. I've got orange on today.  
**Remus Lupin:** What about the red ones? Weren't you supposed to be wearing _them_ today?  
**Random Person:** I thought today was black-sock day.  
**Remus Lupin:** No, James said it was blue-sock day.  
**Random Person:** Who's James?  
**Remus Lupin:** Who are you?  
**Random Person:** My name is Stefan. I'm an ass.  
**Remus Lupin:** Hmm… I don't think we've ever met.  
**Random Person:** Why, that's because I live in the bowels of the Underworld.  
**Remus Lupin:** Ah, okay. Well, tata then.  
**Random Person:** Of course. _(continues running down corridor, "singing" again)_

_(Lupin walks off leisurely to the common room.)_

**Remus Lupin:** That was bloody weird. _(turns to the Fat Lady)_ Let's see, what's password today… "Sirius is brilliant."

_(The portrait swings open and Remus walks in. Immediately, he is rushed and being hugged very tightly.)_

**Remus Lupin:** Can't… breathe…  
**Sirius Black:** Are you all right?! I'm sorry for upsetting you! I was going to chase you, but James said that you would be okay and that you could defend yourself. But then I remembered that Snivellus likes to wander the halls at night and he hangs out with Tom Riddle, so I thought maybe you would run into him and --  
**Remus Lupin:** I did.  
**Sirius Black: **You did what?  
**Remus Lupin:** Run into Tom Riddle.  
**Sirius Black:** Moony! You did?! Are you okay?! Did he try to --  
**Remus Lupin:** Sirius, I'm _fine_. You're forgiven. I'm going to bed.  
**Sirius Black:** _(calming down from his hysteria)_ No, I don't think you do forgive me. You always do, and I'm the biggest prat. Come on, Moony, talk to me.  
**Remus Lupin:** I want to sleep, Sirius. Perhaps you've heard of it.  
**Sirius Black:** Remus J. Lupin, I demand you talk to me right now.  
**Remus Lupin:** Give me one good reason why I should.  
**Sirius Black:** I love you.  
**Remus Lupin: **_(pauses halfway up the staircase)_ Oh no, Sirius, you can't.  
**Sirius Black:** Why not?**  
Remus Lupin:** Because this isn't a romantic comedy, it's a spoof.  
**Sirius Black:** Ah. _(cough)_ Scene change. _(cough)_

_(Scene cuts to Narcissa walking into the Slytherin common room.)_

**Lucius Malfoy:** _(jumps out of dark corner)_ BOO!!!  
**Narcissa Black:** _(unaffected)_ Hello, Lucius.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Did I scare ya?!  
**Narcissa Black:** Of course you did. Have you shaved your legs yet?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(whimpers)_ Should I have?  
**Narcissa Black:** _(rolls eyes)_ Well, if you're planning no being successful at this "seduction" thing, I suggest you shave your legs.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Aww… do I have to?  
**Narcissa Black:** Don't use that tone with me, young man!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** You're not my mom.  
**Narcissa Black:** I know. Anyway, come on. We must find you a suitable razor.

_(Narcissa drags Lucius to the girls' bathroom.)_

**Lucius Malfoy:** Woah!! You guys get a _couch_ in here?! No fair!  
**Narcissa Black:** It's where we women sit and wonder why God placed men on this Earth.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Ah.  
**Narcissa Black:** _(pulls out a brick in the wall)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(gapes open-mouthed)_ Wow..  
**Narcissa Black: **What? Oh yeah, you've never been in here before. Yes, this is our "womanly stash."  
**Lucius Malfoy:** What all do you have --  
**Narcissa Black:** _(clamps her hand over Lucius's mouth)_ Never ask that question again while standing in this room.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Why not?  
**Narcissa Black:** The demons that dwell in the toilets will gnaw on your testicles and you'll be pleasure-less for the rest of your life.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(screams like a girl)_  
**Narcissa Black:** _(smiles and produces a razor)_ Would you like the foam or gel shaving cream?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** None, please.  
**Narcissa Black:** Don't be a baby. Choose.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Uh, gel?  
**Narcissa Black:** _(pulls a can out of the wall)_ So what exactly did you and Tom do while I was gone?  
**Lucius Malfoy:**_(brightens)_ We picked out a seducer outfit for me.  
**Narcissa Black:** Dare I ask?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(beams)_ You'll see when Friday comes along. It's very hot and sexy. Trust me, I know fashion.  
**Narcissa Black:** Whatever you say, dear. Now, roll up your pant legs.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(reluctantly rolls his pants up)_ Please, be gentle.  
**Narcissa Black:** _(moves the can of shaving cream towards Lucius)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** (_shrieks and pulls his leg away)_  
**Narcissa Black:** Lucius, it's just shaving cream.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(whimpers)_ I don't want to seduce anybody anymore. Not if I have to do this.  
**Narcissa Black:** Fine. Go tell Tom you won't support his plan anymore.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(yelps)_ No way!  
**Narcissa Black:** Then give me the leg.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** But, I don't want to! I changed my mind.  
**Narcissa Black:** You cant change your mind.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Why not?  
**Narcissa Black:** Because if you do, Tom will sick his snake friends on you.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I don't like snakes.  
**Narcissa Black:** Mmhmm, now will you _please_ give me your leg?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Of course not! What if you cut me?!  
**Narcissa Black:** I won't cut you! I've done this a thousand times.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(whimpers)_ But --  
**Narcissa Black:** Would you like some chocolate? _(takes a chocolate frog out of the "womanly stash")_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Ooo! Chocolate!! _(takes the chocolate frog from Narcissa and begins chewing on it)_ Mmm! Dis is reawy good!  
**Narcissa Black:** Close your mouth. That's disgusting.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Sowwy. Hey, do you have any -- OW!!!  
**Narcissa Black:** _(rolls eyes)_ I didn't cut you!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** You shaved me?!?  
**Narcissa Black:** You were eating chocolate… besides, it worked, didn't it?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(looks down)_ Ahh! Where is my hair?!?  
**Narcissa Black:** On the floor… Give me your other leg!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Absolutely not! The outfit will look perfectly seductive enough _without_ hairless legs, thank you very much! _(stands up and storms out)_  
**Tom Riddle:** _(sitting in the common room)_ Lucius! What the --

_(Tom looks up to see Lucius coming out of the girls bathroom, with both pant legs rolled up, one leg shaved, and chocolate all over his face.)_

**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh, um… Hello, Tom. What are you reading?  
**Tom Riddle:** "How to Take Over the World and Drink a Cup of Tea at the Same Time." Why are you covered in chocolate?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I ate it.  
**Tom Riddle:** Not all of it, obviously… And why is only _one_ of your legs shaved?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I ate it. I mean, I ate the chocolate.  
**Tom Riddle:** Yes, I know that. Why isn't your other leg shaved as well?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** You want to shave my legs?!?  
**Tom Riddle:** We've been over this, Lucius. Now, you might have been able to convince me before, but when you get so far in your seduction that you have to take your pants off, one smooth leg will ruin the entire operation.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I have to take my pants off?  
**Tom Riddle:** Lucius…  
**Narcissa Black:** _(slides into the room, clad in lingerie)_ Lucius, let me shave your other leg.

_(Tom and Lucius gape at Narcissa.)_

**Lucius Malfoy:** Okay! _(walks off with her)_  
**Tom Riddle:** _(turns back to his book)_ Now let's see… hold the tea in your left hand…

_(Back in the Gryffindor common room, Lupin and Sirius are sitting next to each other on one of the couches.)_

**Sirius Black:** YAHTZEE!  
**Remus Lupin:** Yahtzee?? I thought we were playing Clue…  
**Sirius Black:** _(confused look)_ But there's no dice in Clue…  
**Remus Lupin:** Which is why we're not using any.  
**Sirius Black:** Hmmm… okay.

_(Suddenly, Severus Snape bursts into the common room.)_

**Sirius Black:** What the --! What are _you_ doing in here? …again?!  
**Severus Snape:** Dammit! Wrong common room again! _(turns to leave)_  
**Sirius Black:** _(stands up and stops Snape from leaving)_ You there! Stop your life of crime!  
**Severus Snape:** … _(crickets chirping)_  
**Sirius Black:** I have purple socks.  
**Remus Lupin:** Sirius, seriously. Do you _have_ to act like a Slytherin?  
**Sirius Black:** I'm acting like a Slytherin?  
**Severus Snape:** Are you mocking me??  
**Sirius Black:** _(turns to Snape)_ Maybe… _(punches Snape in the face)_  
**Severus Snape:** _(falls down, clutching his face and moaning)_ OW!!  
**Remus Lupin:** Sirius!! What the hell was that for?!  
**Sirius Black:** He wouldn't give me his password!!  
**Remus Lupin:** You didn't ask!  
**Sirius Black:** How do you know?  
**Remus Lupin:** Because… you didn't say anything. Instead, you decided to hit him…  
**Sirius Black:** …I'm like that.  
**Remus Lupin:** Riiight…  
**Severus Snape:** Why would you need the password to the Gryffindor common room anyway?  
**Sirius Black:** That is yet to be determined.  
**Remus Lupin:** _(yawns)_ I'm going to bed. Don't get into too much trouble, kids.  
**Severus Snape:** _(trying to stop his nose from bleeding everywhere)_ Don't tell me what to do, half breed.  
**Remus Lupin:** Normally I would be offended and demand to know why you know that I'm a werewolf, and allow you to duke it out with Sirius while I sit here in shock and tears. However, I'm tired, and this is not a drama. So, goodnight.

_(Sirius and Snape have a moment of awkward silence as Lupin ascends the staircase.)_

**Severus Snape:** How pathetic. I'm going back to my own common room.  
**Sirius Black:** May somebody stake you in your sleep.  
**Severus Snape:** Git.  
**Sirius Black:** Grease ball.  
**Severus Snape:** Mangy mutt.  
**Sirius Black:** Overgrown bat.  
**Severus Snape:** Disgrace to your family.  
**Sirius Black:** Scabberous dog.  
**Severus Snape:** Whore son round man!  
**Sirius Black:** Go back into the muck from whence you were born!  
**Severus Snape:** You filthy swine, I would turn my dagger upon myself before obeying you!  
**Sirius Black:** As I wish you would! For this world is better off without your slimy being to mar its surface!  
**Severus Snape:** A duel, sir!  
**Sirius Black:** Very well!  
**Severus Snape:** Morrow afternoon.  
**Sirius Black:** My appearance shall put you in your grave.  
**Severus Snape:** Good day, sir!  
**Sirius Black:** _(smirks)_ Until your end, sir.

_(Snape storms out of the common room.)_

_The next day…_

**Lucius Malfoy:** _(waddles out of the Slytherin boys' dormitory, clad uncomfortably in women's lingerie)_ Ow… ow… ow…  
**Tom Riddle:** _(wakes up suddenly, sitting in an armchair in the Slytherin common room)_ Huh? Did I hear something about sex?!  
**Narcissa Black:** _(joins them in the common room, wearing Lucius's clothes from the previous night)_ Did you sleep down here, Tom?  
**Tom Riddle: **_(wipes drool from his robes)_ Perhaps…  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Ow!  
**Narcissa Black: **What _now_, darling?!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(cries and whimpers)_  
**Narcissa Black:** Lucius! What is it? Why are you standing in front of that desk?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(starts bucking wildly)_  
**Tom Riddle:** Do you always do that in the mornings?!  
**Narcissa Black:** Tom! That's a personal question!  
**Tom Riddle:** Well… it makes you wonder…  
**Lucius Malfoy:** OW!!! _(breaks free from the desk and rolls on the floor, clutching his genitalia)_  
**Narcissa Black:** Lucius! _(runs to him and attempts to calm him)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I shut my penis in the drawer!! Ahh!! It burns!!  
**Tom Riddle:** What the hell?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(stands up)_ You know, even I'm not, so let's just leave it at that.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(to Narcissa)_ You actually spent the night with… him?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** We had sex!  
**Tom Riddle:** Thank you for clearing up the confusion there.  
**Narcissa Black:** Well, Tom, yes I did. You can't help who you love. Besides, I'm sure he'll grow up to be wonderfully evil.  
**Tom Riddle:** You've got to be kidding me.  
**Narcissa Black:** Just you watch, Tom! One day he'll be more effective at being evil than you! _(storms to the girls' dormitories)_  
**Tom Riddle:** I'M THE ONE WITH THE RED EYES! NOT HIM! ME! I _WILL_ BE THE DARK LORD!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** You're awfully sensitive this morning.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(growls, narrowing his red eyes) _So what if I am?**  
Lucius Malfoy:** Eep. _(runs to his own dormitory)_  
**Tom Riddle:** _(throws his book across the room)_ BLOODY SLYTHERINS!  
**Severus Snape: **_(walks into the room and picks up the book)_ Will you be my second?  
**Tom Riddle:** What?  
**Severus Snape:** I'm dueling Sirius Black this afternoon. I need a second.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(tents fingers)_ Eeeexcellent…  
**Severus Snape:** So is that a yes?  
**Tom Riddle:** Of cooouuurse it is! What would you like me to use?  
**Severus Snape:** Huh?  
**Tom Riddle:** Curses. Which one should I use to blow his brains out?  
**Severus Snape:** You mean…  
**Tom Riddle:** The bad ones, yes.  
**Severus Snape: **The ones --  
**Tom Riddle:** -- that are bad, yes.  
**Severus Snape:** But why --  
**Tom Riddle:** -- would I want to use them? So you win, of course!  
**Severus Snape:** But you're not dueling him. I am.  
**Tom Riddle:** Yes, but if you become unconscious, _I _will have to take over.  
**Severus Snape:** And what, might I ask, would make you think I'll become unconscious? _(raises an eyebrow)_  
**Tom Riddle:** I have glowing red eyes…  
**Severus Snape:** Okay… but _why_ would you think I'd become unconscious?  
**Tom Riddle:** I can talk to snakes…  
**Severus Snape:** That's not a reason why _I _won't be able to defeat Black on my own.  
**Tom Riddle:** Uh… I wash my hair more.  
**Severus Snape:** Argh! I give up! I'm getting a new second!  
**Tom Riddle:** _(eyes widen)_ No! You can't! My whole life revolves around inflicting pain and torture on others! I _have_ to deal with those pathetic good-hearted Gryffindors! Please!  
**Severus Snape:** Seconds don't tell their friends that they'll lose a duel. You're supposed to be supportive.  
**Tom Riddle:** Don't be such a woman.  
**Severus Snape:** _(bursts into tears and runs from the room)_  
**Tom Riddle:** Looks like _somebody_ woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Or… chair. Yeah. _(looks around)_ Why am I talking to myself? Screw this, I'm going to breakfast. _(leaves)_

_(Back in the Gryffindor common room.)_

**Sirius Black:** _(tears open James Potter's curtains)_ Be my second!  
**James Potter:** _(rolls over and snores) _Mmm… Lily…  
**Sirius Black:** _(pushes James off the bed)_ Be my second!  
**James Potter:** _(lands with a crash on the floor, rolls over, and sticks his thumb in his mouth)_ …yummy….  
**Sirius Black:** _(kicks James)_ Be my second!  
**James Potter:** _(snorts)_ Ketchup!  
**Sirius Black:** Be my second! Be my second! Be my --  
**James Potter:** LILY!!! _(stands up and looks around wildly)_  
**Sirius Black:** …what?  
**James Potter:** She's coming!

_(Lily bursts into the dormitory.)_

**Lily Evans:** James Potter!!! You tell me _right now_ what you did to poor Severus!!  
**James Potter:** _(smiles weakly)_ Er… good morning?  
**Lily Evans:** Good morning?! I'll give you "good morning"!! Do you have any idea how _embarrassing_ it would be for him to be found in his condition?!  
**James Potter:** Sure!  
**Lily Evans:** You do _not_! Come! _(grabs James by the arm and drags him out into the common room)_  
**James Potter:** _(laughs)_ That's got to suck!  
**Sirius Black:** You did that?  
**James Potter:** Bahaha!

_(James and Sirius stand laughing hysterically at Snape, who's wandering around aimlessly with his underwear over his head, boils on his outstretched hands, and a tail protruding from his rear end.)_

**Lily Evans:** Did you do this?!  
**Sirius Black:** Did you really? I thought you were dreaming about Lily and ketchup all morning.  
**James Potter:** Uh… er… yes?  
**Lily Evans:** To the dreams or to what hex you used on Snape?  
**James Potter:** I didn't hex Snivellus, alright?!  
**Lily Evans:** _(eyes narrow)_ I don't believe you, James Potter. I'm taking him to the hospital wing. _(drags Snape off)_  
**James Potter:** _(mimicking Lily)_ I don't believe you, James Potter.  
**Sirius Black: **Be my second!  
**James Potter:** Why the bloody hell do you keep saying that?!  
**Sirius Black:** I'm dueling Snivelly this afternoon, if he manages to lose the tail and the underwear hat  
**James Potter:** _(laughs)_ I'll support you!  
**Peter Pettigrew:** _(walks down the stairs)_ Hello! I am Peter Pettigrew and have been grossly overlooked so far!  
**Sirius Black:** Hullo, Peter! James is my second and best friend!  
**Peter Pettigrew:** _(bursts into tears)_  
**James Potter:** And he wonders why he hasn't gotten to talk yet.  
**Sirius Black:** Was it something I said?  
**James Potter:** It's never anything you said. Peter always interprets things differently.  
**Sirius Black:** Well… how else would he have interpreted "James is my second and best friend"??  
**James Potter:** Umm… "James has a penis and it's really big"?  
**Sirius Black: **You wish!

_(Snape bursts into the common room once again.)_

**James Potter:** WHAT THE BLOODY --  
**Severus Snape:** Shut up, Potter! I've just been cured, but I overheard some people talking --  
**Sirius Black: **Who --  
**Severus Snape:** Never mind that. They said they're going to apparate into the Gryffindor common room at midnight, to steal from the students and wreak havoc.  
**James Potter:** But you cant apparate on the Grounds.  
**Severus Snape:** I know that. This is a spoof.  
**James Potter:** Oh yeah. Well, who is it?  
**Severus Snape:** I don't know.  
**James Potter:** Then what are we supposed to do about it if we don't know who we're after?  
**Severus Snape:** Guess.  
**Sirius Black: **Guess what?  
**Severus Snape:** Guess who.  
**Sirius Black:** You?  
**Severus Snape:** _(blank stare)_ I'm leaving now.  
**James Potter:** Good!  
**Severus Snape:** _(rolls eyes)_ You're only the second. Thus, unless I dismember Black here, which I might do nonetheless, you don't be dueling me.  
**James Potter:** Er…

_(Snape leaves.)_

**Sirius Black: **He's a prick.  
**James Potter:** _You're_ a prick!  
**Sirius Black: **_(confused)_ But you're my second!  
**James Potter:** Oh yeah…  
**Sirius Black:** I bet you anything that Tom Riddle is planning on stealing our stuff, that prick. He's always been a flashy bastard.  
**James Potter:** I bet Snape's lying. Why would he help us?  
**Sirius Black:** So I don't flatten him in our duel, of course.  
**James Potter:** So _we_ don't flatten him.  
**Sirius Black:** You're my second! So if_ you_ flatten him, he'll have flattened _me_!  
**James Potter:** _(gasps)_ That asshole!  
**Sirius Black:** Yeah, we'll show him for that.  
**James Potter:** For warning us?  
**Sirius Black:** What?  
**James Potter:** Who?  
**Sirius Black: **What who?  
**James Potter:** Can you guess who?  
**Sirius Black:** Does your person have blue eyes?

_(Back to the Slytherins. Tom Riddle is sitting at a table in the Great Hall, eating breakfast by himself.)_

**Tom Riddle:** I'm evil, damn it. I'm supposed to have followers.  
**Generic Slytherin Student #1:** Oh great Tom…  
**Tom Riddle:** Piss off, you.  
**Generic Slytherin Student #1:** Yes, Great Master…  
**Tom Riddle:** _(goes back to moodily eating his Lucky Charms)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** They're magically delicious!  
**Tom Riddle:** Ahh! What the BLOODY HELL was that for?!?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(smiles)_ Your cereal.  
**Tom Riddle:** What? Explain.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** It's magically delicious!  
**Tom Riddle: **_(confused)_ My cereal… is magically delicious… why?!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** It's got the little floaty sugar chunks in it!  
**Tom Riddle:** How is that magical?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Have you not seen the leprechaun?!  
**Tom Riddle: **What leprechaun?!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Blimey! Well, perhaps you should stop eating it if you don't' know why it's magically delicious.  
**Tom Riddle: **What? The leprechaun?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Yes --  
**Tom Riddle: **I don't eat leprechauns!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I didn't say you did!  
**Tom Riddle:** Yes you did! You just said "yes" when I asked if you were talking about the leprechaun!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh, that! No, I said "yes" because visualizing having sex with y--  
**Tom Riddle** Narcissa?!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Erm… sure.  
**Tom Riddle:** Lordy… Hey! LORDY! _(glowing red eyes return)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** What --  
**Tom Riddle:** My new name!!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Your new name is Lordy?  
**Tom Riddle:** No! My new name is Voldemort!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** What does that have to do with "Lordy"?  
**Tom Riddle:** LORD VOLDEMORT!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Er… where'd you come up with that?  
**Tom Riddle:** I got it from my new name!  
**Lucius Malfoy: **I thought _that_ was your name!  
**Tom Riddle:** No, no, no… my _old_ name! Look! _(scribbles out "Tom Marvolo Riddle" in the air with his wand and rearranges it to "I am Lord Voldemort")_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(gasps)_ Your middle name is Marvolo?!  
**Tom Riddle:** At least I'm not a fucking gay moron.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Eh?  
**Tom Riddle:** You're gay.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** No, I'm _bisexual_, remember?  
**Tom Riddle:** Close enough.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** At least my middle name isn't Marvolo.  
**Tom Riddle:** Do you have a problem with my middle name?!  
**Lucius Malfoy:** No, it's just… extremely… convenient.  
**Tom Riddle:** Damn straight it is, and don't you forget it.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** I have a feeling you're not going to let me.  
**Tom Riddle: **This is true.  
**Narcissa Black:** _(enters the Great Hall and sits down at the table)_ Good morning. Tom, I hope you know that your cereal is magically delicious.  
**Lucius Malfoy: **_(laughs)_  
**Tom Riddle:** He's got _you_ doing it now? Oh life, you cruel mistress, why must you torment me so?  
**Narcissa Black:** Talking to the snakes again?  
**Tom Riddle:** Yep.  
**Narcissa Black:** Thought so.  
**Tom Riddle:** Why?  
**Narcissa Black:** Why what?  
**Tom Riddle:** Why did you think I was talking to my serpent friends?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** You_ always_ talk to your serpent friends.  
**Tom Riddle:** I do?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Erm… yes?  
**Narcissa Black:** Lucius, he does _not _always talk to his slithery pals. The reason I knew he was talking to snakes was because his glowing red eyes returned.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** They did?  
**Tom Riddle: **Look deeeep into my eyes. _(stares at Lucius with his glowing red eyes)_  
**Lucius Malfoy:** _(squeals)_ You're reading my mind!!  
**Tom Riddle: **Are you a snake?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** No.  
**Tom Riddle:** Then I'm not reading your mind.  
**Lucius Malfoy:** Oh. Well, then I suggest we frolic around the greenhouses.  
**Tom Riddle:** OKAY! _(stands up and walks out of the Great Hall)_  
**Narcissa Black:** The greenhouses?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** There are frogs around the greenhouses! _(joins Tom outside)_  
**Narcissa Black: **_(sighs)_ Men…  
**Lily Evans: **_(walks past the Slytherin table)_ Psst… Narcissa!  
**Narcissa Black:** _(whispers)_ What?  
**Lily Evans:** Meet me by the statue of Ludwig the Lewd. _(goes off pretending nothing has just happened)_  
**Narcissa Black:** _(whistles innocently and sneaks out of the Great Hall)_ What is it, Lils?  
**Lily Evans: **Remus Lupin approached me this morning and said, "men are slugs." Did you give him the password?  
**Narcissa Black:** Yes. What's the big deal? We agreed that certain boys could be invited.  
**Lily Evans:** Yes, but that would mean he's… well… _(blushes)_ you know…  
**Narcissa Black:** …gay? Of course, why would you care if… _(pauses, then realizes something)_ YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH REMUS LUPIN EVEN THOUGH JAMES POTTER IS MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND MY COUSIN IS IN LOVE WITH LUPIN?! I CAN'T BELIEVE --  
**Lily Evans: **Shh! _(clasps a hand over Narcissa's mouth)_ I don't want anybody to know that…  
**Narcissa Black: **You're in love with a gay man?  
**Lily Evans:** Yes. So you see, he can't come to the meting.  
**Narcissa Black:** Why not? Then everybody will just know why you didn't want him to come.  
**Lily Evans:** Until you let Lucius go to a meeting, Remus can't come.  
**Narcissa Black:** Lucius isn't gay, he _can't_ go to the meetings.  
**Lily Evans:** He's not?  
**Narcissa Black:** _(smiles)_ No, trust me. He's not.  
**Lily Evans:** Eww. I didn't need to hear that.

_Meanwhile… around the greenhouses, two young men frolic endearingly together._

**Lucius Malfoy:** You know, Tom, I've always wanted to frolic in vegetation! _(pants)_ But it's really quite straining on my somewhat serious heart problem.  
**Tom Riddle:** _(stops frolicking)_ You have a heart problem?**  
Lucius Malfoy:** Er… didn't you know?  
**Tom Riddle:** You have a heart problem?  
**Lucius Malfoy:** LOOK! A FROG!  
**Tom Riddle:** Eh? Ahh!!

_(A giant, lumpy creature is flailed onto Tom's face.)_


End file.
